The Blonde, Bold and Obtuse
by Kame-tan
Summary: SPOILER FOR THE END OF THE ANIME! After getting Al his body back, Ed ends up in a strange new world. Who is Vash the Stampede, and why do I keep getting mistaken for him? A fugitive! 60 billion double dollars! Trigun-FMA xover. T for religion/Ed's mouth
1. Desert introduction

Kame-the-turtle: Greetings lovely people! Welcome to my first ever continuing fanfic! (Trumpets sound in the background at this announcement). This is probably one of few, if not the first, Trigun-FMA crossover (well, at the very least, I couldn't find any Trigun-FMA crossovers). The time period is for Ed, right after the end of the anime ( if you haven't seen the end of the original FMA anime, don't read); for Trigun, it is sometime before Vash meets Wollfwood. I actually really need to thank DarkDragon'sCryBloodTears and her story Crackfic of DOOM (storyid 5026577) for the inspiration. Very funny fic (you guys should try it…if you can handle the insanity). Anyway, I am a monster that feeds off of reviews, so I can't continue unless I am fed comments, concerns, questions, whatever floats your boat (don't try to flame me. I have a special mirror that reflects flames back at the person). Also, if you're not familiar with the Trigun series, don't worry, I'll be sure to explain everything (or you can just watch the series, its pretty good). But then again, I may not go with the storyline. Ok, enough babbling! Enjoy!

PS: Trigun: not mine. FMA: Not mine.

**************************************************************************************************************************************************

Sand and hot.

There were the first things Edward Elric's brain could comprehend. He was lying in sand. It was hot. He raises his head a bit. More sand. He gingerly pushes himself up and looks around. _Of all the places I could have landed with automail, I had to land in a desert_. Ed sighs, wipes the sand from his face and walks to the tallest landmark in the area, an outcropping of rocks a couple of miles away.

By time he reaches the rocks, Ed is suffering from sunburn, and was on the verge of collapsing from heat stroke. He ceased wearing his red coat and his black jacket a long time ago (there was no one to see his metal limbs anyway), choosing to walk in his black sleeveless shirt so he could catch what little breeze came his way. This probably wasn't his best idea; under the glare of the sun, Ed's metal limb heated, causing intense pain as the metal around his ports expanded and extra heat held close to him. He wheezes and gasps as he makes his way to the rock, the heat rising in intense waves from his arm. After about ten minutes of struggling, Ed finally made it to the top of the rock. He did a 360, scanning the horizon for some form of life (preferably a town or another person. He still didn't know where he was, and the last thing he needed was to come across some weird monstrous beast). _Great_, Ed thinks dully _I'm out in the desert in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by nothing but stupid sand. Damnit! Why is the world always screwing me around! _Wanting to avoid the possibility of passing out and becoming some creature's dinner, Ed climbs down and manages to find a tiny bit of shelter from the sun in a small crevasse. Squeezing himself in, Ed thought, _Wow, I'm almost glad that I'm….I'm…_He didn't want to finish that sentence, especially when he spent his entire life convincing people that he was not vertically challenged. The fact that he even thought that his….not tall height helped him so much depressed him. The cool rocks bought relief as it pressed against his skin. _Might as well get some sleep while waiting for the sun to go down_ he thought as he used his coat to block out the remaining sun light.

********

Somewhere in this vast, barren desert, a man rides a black motorcycle with crosses and other Christian symbols . His black hair and suit ruffles in the wind as he streaks across the landscape, and sunglasses protect his eyes from the wind and sun. Behind him sits a cross about the same height as the man riding the motorcycle covered in cloth held in place with black straps. As the man races on, he notices something sticking out of a crevasse in a collection of rocks. He pulls over and goes to investigate, making sure to grab the giant cross off the back of the motorcycle. As he approaches, the object sticking out of the rock appears to be a red coat with a rather strange symbol in black on the back: a snake intertwining a cross with a winged crown. _I wonder what that symbol means _the man thinks.

"Hello," the man cries out, "anyone there? Do you need some help?" Something silver flashes from the crevasse as he draws closer. _I take that as a yes_ the man thinks.

"Hey, can you hear me? Are you conscience?" He hears a grunt and some mumbling. _Well, at least he/she is responding to my voice_ the man thinks as he starts to run over to the red coat.

********

The desert heat put Ed to sleep quickly. He was 5 years old, walking behind a boy with short hair as blonde as his except it was a bit duller.

"Hey Al, what's wrong" Ed called out to the boy as the boy picked up speed.

"Al! Hey, wait!" Ed calls out, causing the boy to start running. As Ed starts trying to catch up with Al, he notices that Al's footsteps seem to become heavier as the boy runs faster. "Al!" As Ed stumbles, he looks down, surprised to see metal and steel instead of his flesh leg. _What's happening? _Ed looks up and gasps; Al's body is changing, becoming bigger, taller and slowly turning into metal. Finally, Al is running so fast, Ed loses sight of him among the trees.

"Al! Where are you! Don't leave me!" Ed shouts in fear. "You're the only family I have left!" He hears someone respond, "Do you need some help?" "Yes," Ed calls out, "I need to find my brother! Have you seen a suit of amour run by?!"

"Are you conscience?" the unfamiliar voice calls out. Ed thought this was very strange. _Of course I'm conscience! If I wasn't, I wouldn't be responding to you, now would I?_ Wait a minute, was he conscience? The last thing he remembers was falling asleep in the desert. That must mean….

Ed's eyes opened quickly as he heard someone approach, he moved quickly to put on his black jacket. He didn't want some stranger to discover his limbs, especially a stranger in some foreign land he knew nothing about. For all he knew, Automail may not exist here. He certainly wasn't trying to be someone's prisoner.

*******

The man sees some movement behind the coat.

"Hey, are you ok" he asks in a concerned, friendly voice.

"I'm fine" the voice snaps back. From behind the red coat emerges a boy, with long golden blonde hair tied back in a braid, and large golden, glaring eyes. The boy, dressed from head to foot in a black long sleeved jacket and pants, was quite short.

"Whoa, kid, you gave me a scare. For a second I thought you were injured or something." The man gave a warm smile.

"I'm not a kid" the kid spat back, his young face expressing dislike from every inch. _Wow, he's pretty hostile_ the man thought.

"Are you lost?"

"Somewhat" the blonde boy mutters.

"Do you need a ride? I'm heading to May City. I don't know if that's where you're going, but at the very least you can get food and shelter." The blonde continued to glare at the man as he contemplated his offer.

"Okay, fine" he grumbles. The man watches the boy walking towards him. _He seems like an interesting character _he thinks. _Why is he so far out in the desert though?_

"By the way, my name is Wolfwood. Nicholas Wolfwood. What's your name?"

"Edward Elric, but just call me Ed"

********

Ed emerges from behind his coat, only to see a man dressed in black in front of him. The man had hair as black as his suit. His kind blue eyes were shaped slightly like the Bastard Colonel, and his skin had a tanned look.

"Whoa, kid, you gave me a scare. For a second I thought you were injured or something." The man smiled. Ed glowered.

"I'm not a kid" he spat back. As far as he was concerned, being considered a kid was almost the same as calling him short.

"Are you lost?" the man asked. Ed pauses. Considering his circumstances, he would consider himself pretty damn lost.

"Somewhat" he mutters.

"Do you need a ride? I'm heading to May City. I don't know if that's where you're going, but at the very least you can get food and shelter."

Ed glares at the man. _He thinks I'm some poor stupid kid lost in the desert_, he snorted, then thought, _Well…to a degree I am. But I can't believe he's offering a total stranger help. For all he knows, I could be some psychotic killer. _Ed eyes the giant cross on the man's back. _Must be a preacher. Great, the last thing I need is to be stuck with some religious nutcase_. Despite his reluctance to go with the man, Ed knows he has no choice but to take his offer. He was stranded in a strange place, a desert no doubt, with no money, food, or any means to get around. He had no idea where he was and how close the nearest town was. And if he refuse help from this man, who knows how long he would be out here before anyone else comes by….and how nice they are. As much as he hates to admit it, he needs this man's help.

"Okay fine" he finally responds. As he approaches the man, he noticed something of a smirk on his face, a smirk that reminded him of Colonel Bastard. _Grrrr, this guy reminds me of that idiot Colonel. I can already tell my time in this place is going to be hell_.

"By the way, my name is Wolfwood. Nicholas Wolfwood. What's your name?" Ed, already convinced that this guy was only the first step to misery, grumbles, "Edward Elric, but just call me Ed

***************************************************************************************************************************************************

OK boys & girls, a few things I need to clarify. First, as you can tell, I presented this story from two viewpoints, both Ed's and Wolfwood. The effect was to introduce both characters in a fun way and for you to get a gist on how both characters see each other. I don't think I will be doing this too often, except maybe to introduce new characters (I think its fun to see what the characters think of each other). Also, no offense to anyone's religious beliefs, but Wolfwood is a priest, and so while I tried to avoid any religious references (except the cross), be warned that they will appear later in this story. Finally, I'm sorry if this chapter seems a little dry or boring, but it's really just a pilot/introduction to see how many people will be interested in it. I really need some feedback to see whether this is worth investing any time in, and to improve this chapter if possible. I promise to do better! (btw, thoughts are in italics)

~Ja mata


	2. Vash the who?

Kame:Well, I finally got this chap out^^…heh, sorry for the wait, but story minus review equal no motivation…If it weren't for Vi-Violence and especially eriisu-April, this chap wouldn't exist! Oh, I also want to thank all of the people who added this story to their alerts.

Disclaimer: Just Butch and Lantz

* * *

Chapter 2: Vash the who?

Ed is sprawled across the ground, staring into the blue cloudless sky as he whimpers in pain. _Damn preacher. Damn him to hell_ Ed thinks bitterly.

"Well, kid I can't fix it. Guess we're gonna half to hoof it" Wolfwood says cheerily.

Ed stares at him in rage. "Damn it for the last time, I AM NOT A KID!" he growls.

"Hey, you can't use that type of language around me." Wolfwood reproaches, pointing to the cross cufflink on the sleeve of his shirt. "Now we need to get a move on before it gets dark, so get up."

If looks could kill, Wolfwood would have been burned to death after being shot and decapitated. Ed gingerly gets off the ground and starts walking.

"That's the spirit! We probably won't make it to May city at this rate, but there's a small village around here we could spend the night in. We aren't that far, take my word for it!" Wolfwood grins.

Ed glares at the preacher and thinks of the last time he said that

(Flashback begins)

"_Hmmm...you can sit on the back of the bike, but make sure to hold on tight" Wolfwood suggests as he sits his giant cross right behind him._

"_Am I gonna be able to actually stay on the bike?" Ed questions._

_Wolfwood looks thoughtful for a minute. "Well, we don't have a choice in this case, unless you want to sit behind me and hold my cross."_

_Seeing the hesitation Ed has on his face, the preacher turns his warm blue eyes to Ed and simply states, "Unless you want to walk, I suggest you hop on and pray to God that you don't fall off. If you do that, everything will work out, trust me!" Wolfwood's goofy smile fades a little as he sees the anger creeping into Ed's eyes. _Hmm, did I say something wrong? _He wonders. However, the comment succeeds in getting Ed to climb on the back of the bike, which Wolfwood proceeds to drive off into the day. Driving over some rocks, he notices Ed grimacing and sitting stiffly. _

"_Heh, sorry about the rocks, but they're kinda hard to avoid out here. You might want to relax your posture a little though; I seriously doubt if that is the last time I will drive over some rocks." As Wolfwood states this, he drives over more rocks. The rocks Wolfwood drives over causes the back wheel to bounce right into Ed's crotch. Ed winces and tries to adjust his position into one that is more comfortable._

Damn preacher didn't say how uncomfortable this would be_ Ed thinks as he winces from the onslaught of movement from Wolfwood's careless driving._

"_Can you at least try to avoid some of the damn rocks?" Ed shouts in anger and pain. _

"_Nope, they're all over the place" Wolfwood responds lightly. Ed growls and thinks of all of the ways to punish the preacher for his recklessness. _

_An hour later…_

_Ed is barely able to hold on as the motorcycles moves through a narrow valley full of rocks and cactus. …_My family jewels are probably pebbles by now…I'm gonna murder that man in his sleep_ he groans as he starts to slip off. BAMN! The front tire of the bike is punctured by a particularly nasty cactus thorn, and the bike starts to swerve out of control. Ed tries to hang on for dear life, but is bucked off the bike into a very thorny patch of cactus as Wolfwood crashes._

"_Whoops, are you okay there kid?" Wolfwood asks as he rushes over to Ed, awkwardly positioned on the cactus to avoid being speared in his vulnerable parts._

"_DOES IT LOOK LIKE I'M OKAY!" Ed roars as he balances on his automail arm and leg._

"_Heh, calm down, I'll give you a hand." Wolfwood ressures, grabbing Ed by the collar of his coat and putting him off the cactus. "Geeze, you're heavy for a little guy."_

"_WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO LITTLE THAT A DECIMAL POINT WOULD BE HEAVIER THAN HIM!?"_

"_Uh….didn't say all that…" Wolfwood smirks. "Well, now that you're okay, let's see about the bike." Wolfwood states, leaving Ed behind on the ground._

(Flashback ends)

The duo walk through the blazing desert, the hot sun burning holes in the back of their necks. Figuring it will be a while before they reach the nearest town, Wolfwood decides to use this time to get to know the young charge a few paces behind him.

"So Ed, what brought you out into the desert?"

"Didn't I already tell you this?"

"No, you merely said you were lost." Wolfwood responds patiently. "You didn't say what made you get lost in the first place."

_This guy asks too many damn questions_ Ed grumbles. Not in the mood to make up a cover story, Ed simply snaps, "It's none of your business."

Wolfwood looks thoughtful for a minute. "Y'know kid, I am a preacher. If you need to talk to anyone, I'm all ears." Ed says nothing.

"Okay, if you have something to confess…then you can confess it in this mini confessional!" Wolfwood says excitedly as he pulls out a small model of a church that's completely hollow in the inside and has just enough space for someone to put over their head.

"Well, for a small price…after all, the church gotta support itself!"

_This guy is a nut job _Ed thinks in disbelief as he stares at the "mini- confessional" in his hands.

"C'mon…you know you might feel better; after all, 'If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us –"*

"Don't give me that bullshit!" Ed snarls, shooting Wolfwood a look of bitter hatred and stomps away. _Must have touched a nerve _the preacher reasons. The two walk in silence, Ed fuming in bitter rage and Wolfwood reflecting on Ed's reaction.

_***********_

_Meanwhile, on some far off cliff_

A gang of rowdy men are relaxing in the shade of a cliff. Everyone is sleep or playing some kind of gambling game-everyone except Lantz. Lantz is just a bad luck kind of guy. He was always the little man at the bottom of the totem pole, forced to do the dirtiest jobs for the least amount. His blunder in the last mission their gang had-carjacking a bus and robbing everyone on board-had merely eroded the tiny platform he was standing on. _Geeze, _he thinks, _how am I supposed to know that the stupid bus was leaking gasoline?_ _It isn't my fault Greg dropped his cigarette._ But perhaps it was; Lantz was the one who drove over the bump that started the leak and caused Greg to drop the cigarette on the thin trail of gas. His punishment was to sit on the top of this cliff (it wasn't very high) in the hot sun and look out for their next target. Lantz heaves a sigh as he wipes his brow and the eyepiece of the telescope he is looking through.

"Man, and I thought things couldn't get any worse for me. No breaks or anything until I spot another target." he grumbles as he watches a pair of buzzards soaring through the sky. Seeing the eerie black birds in the sky reminds Lantz of what his boss said to him after he messed up their most recent mission. His boss made it very clear that if he messes up again, the vultures would be more fortunate than him.** So when poor, down on his luck Lantz sees a blonde person in a red coat, his jaw drops in surprise.

_Is that who I think it is?_

"BOSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!" Lantz screams as he heads down the face of the cliff, a wide grin plastered on his face. "BOSS! BOSS! You are NOT going to believe who I saw traveling in the desert!"

**********

"If you don't want to talk to me, fine, but when you feel like talking about it, I'll be here"

Ed completely ignores the black haired preacher to his side as the two rest on some rocks. Wolfwood is rather annoyed at the boy's silence; he still has a lot of questions about this kid he wants to ask. At the same time, it is quite apparent he struck a sensitive issue with the Bible quote. He compromises by offering Ed some water. Ed snatches the bottle from his hand, drinks some and then, to Wolfwood's surprise, pours some of the water over his head.

"Hey, what are you doing that for?! You're wasting precious water!" he shouts in anger as he snatches the flask from Ed.

"The water's not wasted; it's helping to keep me alive." Ed replies sardonically.

"It doesn't help you much to put the water outside your body."

"Like fucking hell it does" Ed grumbles. Wolfwood turns to look at Ed.

"Maybe of you took off your coat, gloves and jacket, you wouldn't be so hot and there wouldn't be a need for you to waste water." he snaps lightly.

"How much longer till we get to this village you were talking about." Ed says forcefully, successfully changing the topic.

"If we leave now, we can make it before the sun sets…" Wolfwood begins.

"But unfortunately, you won't." an unfamiliar voice replies. Both Wolfwood and Ed whirl around and find themselves surrounded in a large circle by a gang of men. The man who spoke earlier steps forward, his tall stocky figure casting a long shadow in the sand. His tan-colored face is split into a wide grin as he pushes small square sunglasses up the bridge of his nose and he runs a thick, scarred hand through short, military cut style hair of a dark brown.

Both the preacher and the alchemist stare dumbstruck at the man.

"Who the hell are you?" Ed questions.

" They call me Butch-the-destroyer. Finally caught you…Vash the Stampede."

"Vash-the-who?" Ed states in a daze.

"Don't play dumb with me. You know who you are. I finally caught you, and now that 60 billion double-dollar bounty is mine!"

"What?!" Ed snaps in confusion and annoyance; the one thing Ed absolutely hates is not knowing a situation.

"You mean to tell me that you think THIS GUY is Vash?" Wolfwood questions. Ed glares at the emphasis Wolfwood puts into the sentence. _Is he trying to say something about my height?_

"ENOUGH!" Butch roars. "GET EM' BOTH AND TIE EM' UP!"

Wolfwood wears a smirk as the circle of guys close in.

"Hey Ed, do you think you can keep up with me and handle your own?"

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure I can handle myself." Ed smirks back. Before the guys get within four feet of the duo, Ed and Wolfwood are on the offense, smashing noses and breaking ribs.

A guy tries to attack Ed with some brass knuckles. Ed dodges and places a well-aimed kick with his left leg, sending the guy collapsing on the ground in agony.

"Not bad kid." Wolfwood compliments as he punches a guy in front of him, then dodges the chain someone was trying to strike at his head and trips him. The other guy falls over, his chain swinging wildly and hitting the guy Wolfwood punched in the head.

"Heh, I can say the same for you." Ed retorts as another guy comes up behind Ed and swings a lead pipe at him. Ed blocks with his right arm and flips the guy over, sending him flying into two others on their way to attack Ed.

"I'm glad you can defend yourself; at least you're not useless" Wolfwood muses after he knees someone in the chest. He doesn't notice Butch coming up on him.

"HEY, LOOK OUT!" Ed shouts, but before Wolfwood can turn around, Butch knocks him unconscious.

"Heh, I guess he wasn't as tough as he said he was." Butch sneers. "It's just you and me Vash."

"Lookk, Damnit, I'm not this Vash guy!" Ed snaps, causing Butch to roar with laughter.

"Haha, so you think that by changing your name, you can get off easy? But I wouldn't be surprised; who would have guessed that Vash the Stampede was so short! Ha!"

Ed stiffens in anger. _DID THIS GUY JUST CALL ME SHORT!?_

"I knew you looked a little young, but you look like an eleven year old kid!"

Ed looks as if he is about to explode; in fact, he does.

WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SHORT THAT HE SHOULD BE IN A DIAPER DRINKING DISTUGISTING MILK OUT OF A BOTTLE! DAMNIT! I'LL SHOW YOU SHORT!

Butch pauses in surprise at Ed's comment, then laughs even harder-till he sees Ed clap his hands, a blue flash, and a blade coming at him.

* * *

* Quote from the Bible 1 John 1:9 NKJV

**I think you can infer that the fortunate vultures will be having a meal if Lantz messes up again...which he does.

Kame: Haha, left you guys at a cliffy! And I finally figured out how to do the line separating stuff! YAY^^ Anyway, rate and review ONEGAISHIMASU! (puppy dog eyes)


	3. IMPORTANT NOTICE!

IMPORTANT NOTICE!!!!

I realized when I was writing my other fanfics that I made a fatal mistake with this story: I didn't plan it out. Now while it may not seem like a big deal to some of you, this is a serious flaw in my eyes. For all of my stories, I have some kind of outline; at the least, I plan the beginning and the end, developing the middle as I go. Every other multi-chap story I have done so far and is planning to do already has the end and beginning mapped out. I thought about the beginning of this story, but not the middle or the end, and I cannot figure out what I want to do next. Therefore, this story will be on hiatus until I get this straightened out. It will more than likely take a long time; I may even end up abandoning this story if it doesn't work out. I'm reeeally sorry for this, but I will do my best to fix this mistake. Thanks a mil!^^

^^Kame


End file.
